IS DATING SCRIPTURAL?
The practice of dating among young people is the popular method used by young men and women to find a partner for marriage. Both Christians and non-Christians alike engage in the dating practice. We, as Bible believing people, should not allow the world to conform us to its way of thinking. However, when one considers the condition of even our Christian homes in this country, it surely behooves us to reexamine our thinking from the biblical viewpoint. Mr. Stam, in his book “No Other Doctrine”, exhorts believers to “…not change the doctrine to suit the times”(p.75). While he is not specifically referring to the issue of dating, part of the doctrine given to us by Paul instructs us in pre-marriage, marriage, and family issues. Have we engaged in the dating practice simply because it suit’s the times? Is dating a harmless practice that our young people engage in or is there a better way? I believe there is!
Dating was not practiced during Bible times. It is a modern phenomenon. The modern concept of dating began its development about 100 years ago around the turn of the 20th century. So, rather than being biblically based, dating is a product of our entertainment saturated society. Pre-marriage relationships are primarily engaged in for recreational purposes. We live in a day of fast food, disposable products, and ever changing fads. A sense of permanence and commitment has been lost and our relationships are no exception. In this brief article, I would like to examine the dangers of dating in light of God’s Word.
PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT
One of the main characteristics of dating is a lack of parental involvement. In fact, to most young people, to even have the parents around while they are with their partner is the last thing on their minds. The modern dating situation is conducted away from parents and family, and the couple spends time alone. While the youngsters may not want the parents around, that is exactly what they need the most. The dating couple will find it very difficult to remain objective towards the other person. The typical dating situation is an artificial environment to judge ones character anyway. Going out to a movie and dinner doesn’t allow for real life situations. A young couple needs to see each other in the context of church and family. This allows for protection from behavior that would be less than godly. Also, parents will be more objective in their outlook. A young couple is going to tend to be biased towards each other because of the high level of emotions. Parents will be better able to assess the situation and determine who would be best suitable for their child. I am not promoting arranged marriages. I am simply encouraging parental guidance and protection. Do young people need guidance and protection in this area? Absolutely! Surely no one could look at the remains of broken relationships scattered throughout this country and say otherwise. Let me ask you a question? Where did you learn to date? Did you learn about dating from someone teaching it to you out of the Bible? If you’re like me, and you probably are, you learned about dating from friends at school and television. It was something that was simply understood and accepted. It wasn’t really taught. Is this any way to treat our young people? Marriage is a sacred union. The scriptures tell us that marriage typifies Christ and the Church. Shouldn’t this cause us to reexamine the world’s dating concept, and begin to teach young people the godly way to find a life-long marriage partner? I won’t say dating is sinful because it isn’t necessarily. However, dating is, at most, second best. Let’s not settle for this. Let’s honor the covenant of marriage and look into God’s Word for insight. If the Bible is our final authority in all matters of faith and practice, then let’s go to it and ask “What saith the Scriptures?”
PARENTAL AUTHORITY
We live in a day when parental authority is laughed at. In fact, authority of any kind is ridiculed. It should come as no surprise however. Since many people no longer believe in absolute truth, each individual becomes the authority. We have become like Israel of old where it is said that “…every man did that which was right in his own eyes” (Judges 21:25). However, there is absolute truth and the Word of God is our absolute authority. We have a responsibility to obey that authority and to obey those to whom the Word of God imparts authority. Human Government is one example. Rom. 13:1 says “Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers”. We are to obey those who are over us in governmental authority. While their authority doesn’t supersede the authority of God, they do have derived authority from Him. The same could be said of those who lead in a local church. They also have derived authority from the Lord. In Eph. 6:5, Paul tells servants to obey their masters. Obedience here implies authority. In Eph. 5:22,23 Paul exhorts wives to submit to their husbands because the husbands are the head of their wives. Again, this implies authority. Now concerning our current topic, Eph. 6:1 says “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right”. Parents have the authority, and therefore the responsibility, to raise their children. Eph. 6:4 instructs fathers to “…bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”. Parental authority is sadly lacking in our culture. Not only do children rebel against it, parents themselves don’t even realize their failure. There isn’t much thought given to it because there is no real expectation that it will occur. The reality is, children need godly guidance, especially in today’s culture. It is no exception when dealing with children as they look for a marriage partner. The current dating concept leaves parents completely out of the picture for the most part. In the typical dating process, any parental guidance that is given is seen only as unnecessary meddling. As a general rule, parents are not expected to give their input into the relationship. According to the dating couple, they are “in love” and that is all that matters. Who are the parents to say who they can love and who they can’t? Well, the fact is, parents should have a say in such matters. At the least, the young couple should listen to the concerns and advice of their parents based on Eph. 6:2 where is says “Honour thy father and mother…”. As was stated earlier, parents can be more objective in their assessments. The high level of emotions that run through the body of those who are “in love” can blind them to reality. They will tend to see the good qualities and overlook the bad ones. The dating situation allows for this deception. A person can charm his or her way into their date’s heart by playing the dating game. They look and act the part. However, if the parents are there to watch , listen, and ask questions, the real person is going to eventually come out. Let’s consider biblical courtship.
BIBLICAL COURTSHIP
It seems clear from scripture that the main responsibility for raising children falls on the father. Eph. 6:4 tells the father to bring their children up in the Lord. In speaking about the office of a bishop, I Tim. 3:4 says that he should have “…his children in subjection with all gravity”. Of the deacons, I Tim. 3:12 instructs them to rule “…their children and their own houses well”. Fatherly headship is no light matter. It is to be taken very seriously. While the world laughs and jokes about male headship, we should not follow them in their foolishness.
Let’s look at some scriptural examples of fatherly guidance for their children in finding a mate. Abraham is a good example. Abraham instructs his servant to “…take a wife unto my son Isaac”. Notice that Isaac’s father takes the initiative to find his son a wife, not Isaac. Abraham’s servant finds Rebekah. Regekah’s father gives his blessing on her and Isaac. So as to not be misunderstood, notice that her family do give her a choice also. They asked her if she was willing to go and she said she was. This is not a forced marriage. Abraham even recognized the fact that the woman could reject the offer. Gen. 24:8 says “and if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath…”. While she did have the option to reject the offer, that doesn’t mean she could just go off and marry anyone she chose. Obviously there was very close parental supervision. One last thing to notice about this situation. Rebekah agreed to marry Isaac without even having met him! What about the dating process? What about getting to know the person before you decide to marry? What about “falling in love?” There was no dating process or “falling in love” taking place and yet their marriage stood the test of time.
Jacob is another example. Gen. 29 records how that Jacob went through Rachel and Leah’s father Laban to marry Rachel. He served seven years for Leah and seven years for Rachel. Laban is said to have given his daughters in marriage. This wasn’t just something that was said at a wedding ceremony that has no real meaning like it is done today. It’s very common to hear the pastor say “who given this woman to be married to this man” and the bride’s father says “her mother and I”. While these words may have been backed up by the courtship process many years ago, it has lost all significance today. It is only said as part of a wedding ceremony. Consider Jer. 29:6: “…take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands…” Clearly, the father was to take the initiative in finding a mate for their children. The children were not left to themselves in these matters as is the case in our day. In the examples we have seen so far from scripture, there definitely was a giving of the daughter in marriage because the father was very much involved with the process from the beginning. Someone may argue and say these are Old Testament examples and don’t apply to us today. First, the examples of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob occurred centuries before the law was given so technically their courtship observances were not part of the law. Also, it should be said that these examples are not used as exact patterns for us today. In fact, there are differences even between Isaac’s marriage and Jacob’s marriage. Rather, I use them to show principles. I use them to demonstrate parental protection. Also, I use them to show that the familiar ideas of “love” and “romance” are unnecessary in order to have a life-long committed marriage relationship.
When we come to the New Testament, there doesn’t appear to be any change in the courtship process. I Cor.7 instructs us as members of the Body of Christ in marriage issues. We see in verse 38 the daughter being given in marriage. If the father gives his daughter away to be married, this implies authority on his part to not allow his daughter to marry if he thinks the young man is not suitable for her. In verse 36, Paul is speaking of two young people who, because of sexual passion, should get married rather than burning in lust. Paul tells the father to “…let them marry.” Again, this implies that they can’t get married unless there is parental approval. As was stated before, this is not arranged or forced marriage; rather it is parentally approved marriage. I Cor. 7 doesn’t teach arranged marriage. In verse 39, Paul says “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” Now this doesn’t mean, as indicated by other verses, that she can or should marry anyone regardless of the opinion of her parents. Again, her parents should have veto rights. If she desires to marry a young man, but her parents do not approve of their union, she should honor their decision. Remember Eph. 6 where children are instructed to obey their parents and to honor them. I believe that many people give lip service to honoring their parents but whenever there is disagreement, children will claim they have their own life to lead and rebel against their authority.
As I mentioned before, there is no formula given in the scripture giving the exact way to find a marriage partner. We must therefore guard against doing it. Every situation may differ slightly. Should a young man first approach a girl’s father before even talking to the girl? How much time should they be allowed to spend together each day? How long should the courtship process last before the wedding day? The answer to these questions may differ depending on circumstances. However, this doesn’t mean there are not godly principles which should guide our actions. Many of these principles may be considered by many to be legalistic but godliness is never legalism. If one approaches this subject with a spirit of condemnation and harshness, it becomes legalistic. The standards of godliness are not the problem. It’s the attitude one brings that causes problems. Godly principles that are taught in a spirit of meekness of love are scriptural.
Another objection raised to biblical courtship is that the teaching is too idealistic. I can understand why people raise this issue because in many instances, biblical courtship is not possible. With no many families broken, family life has become practically non-existent. The fatherly guidance and protection intended for children is impossible if the father is not there. With so many children being raised in single parent homes, this God given fatherly role is sadly lacking. What do you do in cases like this? First, there are answers to these questions and I will address them later. However, we should first look at the ideal situation and work from that. We shouldn’t take broken homes and shattered lives as a starting point. We should begin where the Lord begins and go from there.
I have used the phrase biblical courtship because just using the word courtship gives the wrong idea. When most people think of courtship, they think of a young man courting a young woman. However, in biblical courtship, this is not exactly the case. Ideally, in biblical courtship, the young man would court the young woman’s family but especially the father. The problem with the common idea of courtship can be seen by the definition. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines courtship this way: “Flattering; attempting to gain by address; wooing; soliciting in marriage.” The idea is that a man tries to somehow impress the woman through flattery or enticements and the woman, if interested, would do the same. Consider Prov. 6:23-25: “For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids.” While flattery and the winking of the eye is acceptable to the world, it is ungodly behavior. These kinds of actions are designed to attract the flesh. We are not to make provision for the lusts of the flesh as the Apostle Paul instructs us.
The courtship process is one in which the whole family should be involved. Consider the word courtship. It has the word “court” in it. This “court” should be held within the confines and protection of the family. This “court” implies the need for evidence. Ideally, a young man would present the evidence to the family (court) so to speak as to his qualifications to be a good husband and father. In our day, the court and evidence is placed outside of the home. Now, only the young woman in courted and the evidence is presented only to her. This breaking away from the family setting is where deception begins. The young woman is now out from underneath the guidance and protection of her father. Deception begins to occur because now the tendency of the woman is going to be to judge the evidence the man brings subjectively. The way he makes her “feel” is going to take precedence over whether he would make a good husband and good father to their future children. Dating places young women in a vulnerable position. She is out from under the cover of her father but not under the cover of a husband. Once this happens, she will begin to develop an emotional attachment to her date. Her emotions most likely will give her that all important “falling in love” feeling. This “love” will then become the basis for the marriage relationship rather than an objective consideration of the evidence. The young man is going to woo her to his way of thinking. He is going to do everything he can to persuade her towards a positive outlook of the evidence. Her father however won’t be as easily convinced. Since he is free from both a physical and emotional attachment to him, he can more easily judge the worthiness of the man to be his future son-in-law.
Furthermore, the dating situation not only places the young woman in a vulnerable position emotionally, but she becomes physically vulnerable. The man, being stronger and more aggressive, can quite easily take advantage of the situation. One of the main characteristics of dating is being alone with your date. We don’t even think twice about this in our culture. In fact, people see it as an absolute prerequisite to marriage. Nevertheless, it is unwise. If the truth be known, many men will go as far sexually with a woman as she will allow him. Without the oversight of the father, this sexual temptation can get out of hand, and it usually does. As I said before, once these passions get aroused, especially in men, they quite naturally lead to full consummated sex. God never intended for these passions to get aroused unless full consummation is expected. Of course, there are also times in which the woman does not allow or desire further intimacy, and yet the man forces himself on her until she just gives in or he overpowers her physically which results in rape. Obviously then, women need male protection that can be provided be her father and when married, by her husband.
The dating system encourages relationships apart from family involvement. We have seen how dangerous this can be. In the dating scheme, time alone for the couple is paramount. In fact, in the current way of thinking, if a couple doesn’t spend time alone, no relationship is possible in their mind. One of the common arguments against biblical courtship is the lack of personal time with the other person. People ask : “how can you get to know the other person if you don’t spend time alone together?” On the surface, this seems like a good argument but is it really? I believe biblical courtship is a better means to get to know someone than is dating. Dating creates an artificial environment. On a date, the couple usually are on their best behavior. They dress up and try their best to cover any blemishes, physically or otherwise. One thing is certain, discerning whether their date has godly character, even among Christians, is not a priority. As a general rule, they are not thinking about the characteristics that make a good mother/father and husband/wife. They are blinded by looks and feelings. “She looks terrific” he says. “He makes me feel wanted” she says. Have you ever heard married couples say that their spouse was not the person they thought they married? Once married, reality slaps them in the face. All of the blemishes and shortcomings that were hidden while dating begin to come out. All of a sudden, those feelings begin to wane. If the relationship was based on these deceptive feelings to begin with, as most are, what happens when the feelings go away? The marriage falls apart. The marriage was not based on commitment but rather on selfishness. If their spouse isn’t meeting their needs, why stay married? Marriage should be an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. A person should be willing to do their part in the marriage whether or not their spouse is reciprocating. I know this is not what the world teaches. They teach a 50/50 partnership. Marriage should really be a 100/100 partnership. Each should give themselves completely for the sake of their spouse and children. Love is a decision you make to put someone else’s needs before yours. It is not a feeling. It is a choice. This is to have the mind of Christ.
Along with spending time alone with a date, there is also the idea of ownership involved. We have come to believe that two people can belong to each other prior to marriage. This is evident in the expressions we use in describing out relationships. We say “my girlfriend”, “he’s mine”, or “my love”. When the relationship comes to an end, they talk about “breaking up” implying ownership as well. We believe that we have exclusive rights to that individual. If a man starts “going out” with a woman, only he is allowed to do so. In most cases, he would consider her to be cheating if she also “went out” with another man. He believes he has rights to her time and body. In reality, without a marriage covenant, he has neither.
This ownership concept creates many problems. If most people were honest, they will admit that most dating relationships do not end in marriage. In fact, dating relationships usually end badly. When the time comes to “break up”, there is usually resentment, hatred, jealousy, etc. These feelings have become so common, we expect them as a natural process of growing up. Once this “break up” has occurred, any friendship that existed before has been destroyed. They then avoid each other at all costs. Where is the mind of Christ in all of this? It is sadly lacking.
THE BRIDE PRICE
The Bible has nothing really to say in regards to a wedding ceremony other than a formal agreement made between the woman’s father and the young man. However, there is something involved that we should consider. Part of the betrothal process consisted of the young man giving a mohar or, as it is more commonly called, a dowry, to his father-in-law. This mohar or dowry was some kind of gift consisting of real estate, livestock, or money. Ex. 22:16,17 refers to a situation where a man and woman have sexual relations before marriage. The man is commanded to “…endow her to be his wife.” However, if the father doesn’t desire to give his daughter to the man, then he is to “…pay money according to the dowry of virgins.” The only reference in scripture to the exact amount of a dowry is given in Deut. 22:28,29 as 50 sheckels of silver. There really isn’t much information is scriptures about this dowry so we shouldn’t read more into the passages than is there. It is possible that the dowry was given as a guarantee to the wife of an inheritance if the husband should die. It was a means of financial protection. It is interesting to note that Jacob’s wife Leah refers to her children as a dowry. Gen. 30:20 says “and Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons…”. Apparently, she mentions her children in connection to the dowry because it will be her children who will provide for her if Jacob dies.
I don’t believe there is some kind of dowry system that is set in stone that we must follow. There surely is not. I bring it up because of an argument I hear against wives being homemakers only. They say that a woman needs to have as much education as possible and needs to hold down a job to learn and maintain important skills in case something were to happen to her husband. If her husband were to die, she could still make ends meet through her job. If she were only a housewife with no outside skills, she would be in trouble financially. The dowry helps to answer such an argument. The dowry could be set aside or invested. The wife could draw upon this in case of tragedy or the death of her husband. Some may say you could just get a life insurance policy. I’m sure this is true. There would be nothing wrong with this. I would take it a step further and say the father of the bride should make sure his daughter is provided for financially. The form the dowry would take isn’t the real issue. Whatever form is chosen, the issue is provision being made for the wife and children.
PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Most everyone in our culture today expects young people to have some form of a physical relationship prior to marriage. The degree of acceptable physical involvement differs depending on who you talk to. Christians may have a higher standard than others but, for the most part, some form of physical intimacy is expected. Let’s go to God’s Word. What saith the scriptures? Paul says in I Cor. 7:1 “…It is good for a man not to touch a woman”. It appears from this verse that Paul expected no physical touching prior to marriage. The touching here is in a sexual context. He obviously is not prohibiting a man form touching a woman in every situation but the context here is a relationship that leads to marriage as indicated by verse two. Such touching that many consider to be innocent such as kissing, hugging, and holding hands is really something that should be reserved for married couples only. Why is this? Let’s now consider I Cor. 7:2 “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband”. From these verses, it seems clear that the problem with touching is that it tends to lead to fornication. When a young man and woman begin to touch, it arouses desires that can be righteously satisfied only in the confines of marriage. Rom. 13:14 is very instructive in this regard. “…make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof”. I contend that the dating system encourages young people to make provisions for the flesh. Physical intimacy begins a process that God never intends young people to begin until after marriage. Are we supposed to believe that sexual passion should be aroused but not consummated until a future time, maybe even years? The answer to the temptation to fornicate is not dating. According to I Cor. 7:2, the answer is marriage. Marriage is the place to become intimate and only in marriage. We have come to believe that two people can belong to each other prior to marriage. In fact, the whole dating scheme revolves around this idea of ownership. Those who date seem to think they have a right to the other person’s body. Wrong! Only a covenant relationship gives this privilege. Physical touch has become so important in dating relationships that the level of seriousness is determined by the level of physical involvement. If a couple has only held hands, the relationship is not too serious. If they have kissed, it’s a little more serious, and so on. We may have taught our young people not to fornicate but have we taught them how not to from scriptures? Even among fundamental, Bible believing people, there is a great lack of guidance given to singles. They have been told what not to do and then given a system that fosters the very thing they’re told not to do.
PHYSICAL TOUCH: WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?
One of the reasons for the feelings of regret after a broken relationship is because of the close intimate physical relationships. When we give our bodies to someone in this way, we are giving a part of ourselves. As was discussed earlier, this physical intimacy should only be reserved for marriage. Any kind of touching such as holding hands, hugging, necking, or petting is not appropriate. Once this kind of activity starts, it’s difficult to stop. Sexual purity should be a gift we give to or spouse on our wedding day. I seek to treat any single woman I know like she is someone else’s future wife. I would want other men to treat my future wife the same. If you ever question what kind of physical intimacy is acceptable, then imagine doing what your thinking with someone who is married. If that would be wrong, don’t do it with anyone else. If you think going around holding hands with someone’s wife or husband is o.k., then have at it. If you don’t think it would be appropriate, then you better think twice about doing that with someone’s future spouse. It’s really not hard to know where to draw the line. Just remember I Cor. 7:1 “…It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” This does not need much interpretation. Don’t touch unless there is a marriage covenant. The apostle Paul instructs Timothy how to treat those in the local assembly. He tells him to treat elders like fathers, young men as brothers, elder women as mothers, and young woman as sisters. It is interesting to note that when he mentions the young woman, he adds something. He says to treat young women as sisters “…with all purity.” Obviously Paul thought that this exhortation about purity was necessary. The indication is that the tendency is going to be to not treat young women with all purity. When you think of the touching that occurs in dating, does it remind you of purity? No! Having your hands all over your date is far from pure activity. A young woman should remain pure (free from physical intimacy) until marriage. When a woman wears a white dress on her wedding day, the white symbolizes purity. Anymore, the white dress has lost all significance. Many people today may not even know the tradition behind the white dress. It has lost its meaning just like the phrase used by the bride’s father in giving away his daughter. It is just said as tradition.
Physical intimacy has become so important in dating relationships that it is seen as absolutely necessary to developing a lasting relationship. I have heard people say that in order to get to know someone, you have to kiss them. Most everybody I’ve talked to say this. How important is it, really? What does a kiss tell you about a person? There is a song that came out years ago that was sung by Sher called “It’s In His Kiss.” The chorus says “If you want to know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss.” So, according to this wisdom, you can determine if someone loves you by kissing them. I disagree. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is where the deception begins that I talked about. Those subjective feelings that occur while kissing become dominant. Before you know it, your “in love”. If you base your relationship on such things as a kiss, your in for a great disappointment. A kiss says nothing whatsoever about a person’s character. It says nothing about whether they will be a good spouse or parent. It has absolutely nothing to do with true love. It has everything to do with feeling good. There is another objection I have heard against refraining from touching before marriage. It is argued that if a couple were never physical at all, the wedding night would be too much. Going from no touching to full consummated sex would be too much of a shock. Well, I’m not even sure what that means. Even if it was too much of a shock, I still haven’t figured out what that would really mean practically. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that it would be too much of a shock. Why would we think that having sex is absolutely necessary on the wedding night? Again, this is just a tradition. I talked to an elderly woman who told me that when she got married, she was a virgin for a month after the wedding. Surely not? It’s true. So there was plenty of time for them to be physical prior to full consummation. There is nothing wrong with this. So the argument that touching is necessary before marriage to prepare oneself for full consummation in marriage holds no water.
I would like to say a further word about the problem of intimacy in light of our current culture. With the advent of the Women’s Movement, women began putting marriage and family on hold. However, families are the backbone of any society. They are crucial to the health and welfare of the next generation. Family life should be top priority in our lives. Sadly, this is not the case with most people, even Christian people. At one time, it was simply expected that people get married at a young age. Now, once girls graduate from high school, they leave for college for another four years. Once college is over, they then seek a job where they can put to use the knowledge they acquired in college. Marriage today is postponed nor many years. If or when they do decide to marry, having children takes a back seat to the drive for more money and selfish ambition. I contend that this marriage postponement mentality is destructive. Let’s consider why.
First, the sexual drive begins around the middle teenage years. By the early twenties, the sexual desire has reached it’s zenith. This becomes quite a problem especially in our culture. We are bombarded every day with sexually explicit images that only fuel that already high sexual passion. Why would God create young people to have such high levels of sexual desire if he didn’t intend for them to get married? Is God so cruel that he would give them this desire and then not expect them to fulfill those desires in a godly manner? I don’t believe God does expect young people to wait until they have all their education finished and they have a nice career going before they marry. I believe this is all man-made. It goes against the creation design and is anti-family.
Second, women are able at a very young age to bear children. Would God create girls to have the ability to have a child at age 15 but then expect them to wait 10, 15, even 20 years to bear children? I don’t believe so. Older women will not have as much energy to deal with the little ones not to mention the health risks involved in giving birth later in life.
There is another issue that need to be considered, especially by women. Sexual arousal should be minimized as much as possible. One way to do this is through modest clothing. I Tim. 2:9,10 says “…women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; but (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.” To preach that women should wear modest clothing today is not popular to say the least. It is very important nonetheless. When talking about this issue, the same question seems to come up. How does one determine what modest clothing is? Everyone seems to have a different standard. What one woman may consider modest, another would not. It seems that many times this question is asked out of spite and not out of an honest heart. The question is, if we can determine what modest apparel is, are we willing to live by it? Many are not. So, how does one determine what modest means exactly. Women will differ greatly as to what they consider modest. However. The question is not what they consider modest. The question is, what do men consider modest? There is a principle here that is important to learn. It’s the principle of another’s conscience. I Cor. 10:29 says “Conscience, I say, not thine own, but of the other: for why is my liberty judged of another man’s conscience?” The issue shouldn’t be what I think so much but how it effects my brother in Christ. True love seeks to edify the other person. While you may think that dressing a certain way is fine, does it edify? “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.” I Cor. 10:23 We need to be careful how our actions may hurt others. We believers are told to not walk in darkness. We have the light of God’s Word that allows us to walk in the light. Paul instructs us to walk circumspectly. In other words, we should walk wisely. We should think about what we are doing rather than just floating through life and letting the world define our lives for us. Paul goes on in I Cor. 8:9 saying “But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them that are weak.” Then in verse 12 he says “But when ye sin so against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, ye sin against Christ.” This is a very serious charge. To sin against the brethren is to sin against Christ. Now some may argue and say this passage is not dealing with wearing modest clothing. This is true. It is dealing with meat offered to idols which was common in Paul’s day. However, it does apply to our topic at hand. Notice Rom. 14:21 where it says “It is good neither to eat flesh, nor drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is make weak.” We should seek to not do something that could cause another to fall into sin. Rather than getting into a long debate over what is considered modest, I believe the issue can be easily settled by walking charitably in light of the other’s conscience. It is truly amazing how love can solve many problems. Prov. 10:12 says “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” One of the characteristics of charity given in I Cor. 13 is that it “…seeketh not her own.” Are you dressing for yourself? Why not honor the Lord and start wearing clothing that seeks to edify rather than tear down.
There is much talk today about sexual harassment. Obviously, it is not appropriate. One form of sexual harassment that I never hear anyone talk about is harassment due to immodest clothing. For a woman to wear clothing that is sexually revealing is just as much sexual harassment as anything else. If a man were to say things to a woman that is sexually inappropriate, it is considered harassment. A man should not be allowed to force her to hear such things. On the other hand, should a woman force a man to be exposed to sexually revealing clothing? Someone may argue and say he doesn’t have to look. What if a man were to wear a picture of a naked woman on his shirt when he went to work? Is that appropriate? I could argue and say she doesn’t have to look. Well, of course that’s nonsense. We can’t go around with our eyes shut all day. A woman shouldn’t have words or images forced on her but neither should a man. I’m not saying legislation should be passed to enforce women to wear modest clothing. I am saying however that to be consistent, you would have to enforce modest clothing. Men should treat women, as the Bible commands, with all purity and women should do the same for men.
IS LOVE SOMETHING WE FALL INTO?
The phrase “falling in love” is a common expression we hear today. It is said by many to be the first step towards developing a loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Many books have been written on the subject of love and romance. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines romance this way: “to forge and tell fictitious stories; to deal in extravagant stories.” If you build a relationship or marriage on romance, your building it on something that isn’t even real. It’s fantasy. People build up these fanciful expectations for relationships and marriage and then wonder why they fail. No relationship lives up to the fanciful stories you read about in the romance novels. This “falling in love” idea tends to lead to discontentment and disappointment. When our partner begins to fail us, as everyone does, those feelings of “love” begin to wane. We begin to “fall out of love”. If you can “fall in love”, you can just as easily “fall out of love.” The whole dating scheme that young people engage in revolves around falling in and out of love. While many will say that dating prepares you for marriage, I argue that dating is more of a preparation for divorce. It is not uncommon for someone to date many people before they find the one they want to marry. So, before marriage, many people have experienced many broken relationships. They will “go out” with someone for a while, and then when problems come up, or when those feelings of “love” are gone, they “break up” and look for someone else. This process can go on for years in many situations. Is this good preparation for marriage? No, on the contrary. After marriage, what happens when problems come up and those feelings they once had for their spouse just aren’t there? Well, may people will do the very thing they were trained to do their whole life. They break the relationship. Why would we expect anything else?
I also believe these problems stem partly from a faulty understanding of true love. In a dating relationship, most people define love as some kind of romantic feeling. They define love based on how the other person makes them feel. Are feelings an adequate gauge by which to judge our relationships? I don’t believe so. Rather than defining love as a feeling, true love should be defined first and foremost as a commitment. True love is a decision you make to put someone else’s needs before your needs. When the Bible speaks of love, it commands us to do so. We are not to love others just when we feel like it. Rom. 13:8 tells us to “…love one another…” Eph 5:25 instructs husbands to “…love your wives…” These are commands not suggestions based on feelings.
LOVE IS A CHOICE
While there is much talk about love, there is very little understanding. True love comes only from God. Therefore, we need to go to His Word to find a true definition.
There are three Greek words that define love. The first is Eros. Eros has to do with sexual passion. Second is Phileo. Phileo is a warm attraction or affection. Third is Agape. Agape is an unconditional love. It is a love that can only come from God It is a love that describes God’s love for us. It is interesting to note that the word Eros (sexual passion) does not occur in the Bible. The word Phileo occurs about 20 times but the word Agape occurs about 110 times. Eros and Phileo love come naturally to most of us. It’s the Agape love that we wouldn’t understand without a revelation from God. True love is a revelation.
Without an understanding of true love, the ideas concerning biblical courtship will be hard to grasp. So let’s start with a definition. Love is a decision you make to put someone else’s needs before yours. Love is a choice. One of the myth’s about love is that it is a feeling. It is not a feeling. Let’s get that straight up front. The Bible commands us to love. Let’s look at a few examples. Matt. 5:44 says “…love your enemies…” If love were a feeling, we would never love our enemies. This kind of love is independent of our feelings. We must consciously decide to love others. Eph. 5 instructs husbands to love their wives. They are told to love them regardless of how their wife treats them. It is a love, not based on a warm personnel attraction, but on a commitment. If we base our relationships on “falling in love” (Eros or Philoe), what happens when those feelings are gone? It’s very common to hear people say “I don’t love you anymore.” What they mean is their partner doesn’t give them the same sensation as before. It is primarily a selfish attraction. It’s all based on how you make me feel. Many of the marriage counselors heard and the books written on the subject focus on how to get what you want out of a relationship. This is the world’s point of view. The Christian view seeks to give to the other person. In fact, the whole Christian life is to be based on a life of sacrifice for others. We are to have the mind of Christ. Phil. 2:4 teaches us to “look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” We are to put others first. Verse five then says “let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus” and then goes on to describe the sacrificial actions of Christ on our behalf. This sacrificial love Christ has for us was not based on his feelings. Consider what Christ said in the garden of Gethsemane before the crucifixion. Matt. 26:39 records Christ saying “…O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Humanly speaking, Christ didn’t feel like going to Calvary. He prayed for deliverance. He would never have gone to the cross if he based his love on his feelings. Notice he then said “…not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Here we see Christ giving up his desires for the sake of the Father as well as for us. This was a decision he made. He chose to love us. He didn’t love us because we made him feel good. He loved us when we didn’t deserve such love. We were in rebellion against Him and he loved us. This is the kind of love we need to nurture in our minds. We need to cultivate this kind of love towards others. Marriage relationships should display this sacrificial love rather than the world’s selfish brand. I heard somebody define love as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. How true this is. How imperative it is that we seek to show this unconditional commitment in the marriage covenant. How sadly lacking such commitment is in our day.
When I dealt with Biblical Courtship earlier, I dealt with it using an ideal family situation. However, the reality is, in our current culture, ideal family life is rare. So let’s deal with this issue. How does Biblical Courtship work if the father is missing from the family? No doubt, even in Bible times, the father was missing in some cases. Today it is very common and most likely the result of divorce. First, if a young woman comes from a broken home where the father is not there, in most cases he should be involved in his daughter’s life as much as possible. So, if her father lives near, he should be the first one to guide and protect during the courtship process. If the father is not around at all, other responsible male family members should be sought out. If there are no male family members around who would be acceptable, responsible male members of your local church should be found. In fact, even if the father is around, the leaders of a local church should be willing to assist in the process whenever necessary.
We must keep in mind that everything revolves around the family. It is so hard for us to understand this. We have become accustomed to living apart from family. We are very independent minded. Living on one’s own is really a modern concept. For most of the world’s history, living on your own didn’t exist for the most part. A person only separated from family if they got married and even then there were still strong ties. There is no better way to get to know a person than to see them live in the context of their family. It won’t be as easy to put up a front as occurs in dating. Brothers and sisters seem to have a way of bringing out the real you. This is good. Two people considering marriage need to see each other at their best and worst. A young woman can watch how the young man treats his mother. This is usually a good indicator of how he will treat his future wife. The young man can see how the young woman reacts when things don’t go right. These are things not revealed on the typical date. Also, church provides another good atmosphere for courtship. The young couple can watch and see if the other is willing to serve in the church. Are they interested in spiritual things or are they just going through the motions? All the while, the parents are observing as well as other godly men in the church. There is protection and accountability. If the young man begins to touch her inappropriately, there will be those there who can step in and take appropriate action. All this would not be possible while on a date. The young woman would be left to fend off the stronger and more aggressive male. Women shouldn’t have to deal with this. It is a burden that should be placed on her brothers, church leaders, but especially her father.
It should be said concerning biblical courtship that this is something that needs to be taught to children from a very early age. It would not work to try and teach teenagers these courtship principles. They most likely would be involved in dating and would rebel against parental meddling. However, that is not to say that some of the principles could not be used. A parent could sit down with their teenager and lovingly explain to them these courtship issues but to expect a total turnaround is unlikely and is not fair to the teenage.
WHAT ABOUT COMPATIBILITY?
There is another issue that needs to be addressed. It is the issue of compatibility. Compatibility is seen as an important element when deciding on a marriage partner. While compatibility is important when talking about spiritual interest and character, the usual way it is used doesn’t have much value. In dating, much of the focus is placed on temporal and trivial things. It should come as no surprise since dating centers around temporal and trivial issues. Dating is done for recreation. If two people don’t have similar interests, the dating experience will be disappointing. Should we make similar interests so important? It is so hard for us who live in an entertainment crazed culture to think of pre-marriage relationships apart from it. Is it really so important for two young people to like the same kind of movies, listen to the same kind of music, or have similar preference in food? In the dating game, the answer is yes. In fact, without these similar interests, there wouldn’t be much of a reason to go on a date. However, in biblical courtship, these have little or no value at all. A young woman should be looking for a man to provide her and her future children with a stable home life. Once married, it won’t matter that much if one likes to sky dive and the other is afraid of heights. A young man should be looking for a woman to be a help-meet and a loving mother. If we were all honest with ourselves, we would admit that these are not the criteria used to analyze whether a date with someone was successful. The issue on a date is whether it was fun or not. While two young people may be compatible in the trivial things, they may not make a suitable spouse or parent. On the other hand, two young people may not be compatible in trivial matters but may make wonderful spouses and parents. Should not godliness be paramount? I believe many godly people are overlooked as a possible marriage partner simply because they do not have a charismatic personality. They may not be good at making romantic gestures but they would be faithful, loving, caring, and responsible. Does not all of this indicate the need for biblical courtship? Parents understand the value of commitment and responsibility in marriage far more than a young teenager would. While the parents should have taught their teenager from a small child the importance of these issues, the parents will have a more intimate and practical knowledge of them based on experience.
DATING WORKED FOR US
Some may ask what the big deal is all about. They dated and did o.k. There are those who have found their spouse through the dating process and they had a positive experience and a good marriage. No doubt, there are exceptions to the rule but the fact is, they are just that: exceptions. Those who have had a positive experience in dating most likely did it using some scriptural principles. In addition, even if the dating experience was positive, it is still second best. Why should we as believers use a system developed by the world? While it may work given the right circumstances, it is foolish to give young people a system that puts them in a compromising situation. We should remember also that everyone has different levels of strengths and weaknesses. While sexual temptation may not be a big problem with a few people, it is a problem with most. Also, a few may be mature emotionally, but many are not. Should we endorse a system that will be o.k. for the minority of more mature individuals? Those who do think they are stronger and more mature should consider I Cor. 10:12 which says “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.” We shouldn’t accept anything less than a biblical model. The dating model, when held up to the light of God’s Word, falls far short. Let’s not accept a system that might be just o.k.. Let’s acknowledge our need for guidance and bow to the authority of God’s Word.
SINS OF THE PAST
While it is not intended, I know this article may produce feelings of guilt. You may be convicted of past sins. The mistakes of the past may haunt you but who of us doesn’t have past regrets? There was a time in my life when I didn’t understand these issues. I believed in dating because that’s just the way it was done. I certainly don’t look down on others with a self-righteous attitude. I have too many mistakes in the past to do that. I come to this issue saying like Paul “…We also are men of like passions with you…” (Acts 14:15).
The good news is the Lord has saved us and cleansed us from all unrighteousness. Despite the failures of our past, we have been forgiven. “For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice, envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.” Let’s acknowledge the fact that if we have trusted Jesus Christ as our savior, our sins are no longer an issue with God. Let’s realize that our past failures are forgiven and get on with living a life pleasing to the Lord.
CONCLUSION
In this article, I have not attempted to deal with every single issue in regards to dating and biblical courtship, nor have I tried to deal with any one aspect thoroughly. Rather, I have sought to put down in written form what has been a burden on my heart for many years now. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, nor am I under the impression that biblical courtship will solve all of the problems associated with pre-marriage relationships. I do insist, however, that if we allow things to continue as they are, it will only get worse. Our families in this country are in absolute shambles! The heritage that has been left to the next generation is disgraceful! We can no longer say that our society is breaking down. It is already broken. Christians can claim no better testimony. Our families look so much like everyone else’s families that you can see little or no difference between them. We have been conformed to the world’s pattern. There’s no doubt about it. Instead of looking like the world, we should be as Paul said “…blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; holding forth the word of life…” (Phil. 2:15,16)
As I have attempted to make clear, the issue of authority is very important. We must hold strongly to the absolute authority of God’s Word. In a day when people believe there are no real absolutes, it is imperative that we not be pulled into that way of thinking. How easy it is to just go along with the crowd. We need an infallible compass by which to guide and govern our lives. It is never wise to trust our wisdom. Prov. 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” As Jeremiah said, our hearts are deceitful and wicked. We surely shouldn’t use our hearts to guide us. We need to search for true wisdom out of God’s Word. Solomon, speaking of wisdom says: “If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.” He goes on to say: “When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee” (Prov. 2:10,11). We should dig into the Word of God as one who searches for riches whose value is far beyond rubies. The scriptures are a mine full of treasure awaiting our discovery of each valuable diamond. The issues concerning biblical courtship that we have dealt with here, as well as other Bible truths, are highly valuable to me. They mean more to me than any amount of monetary value. Any truth that the Lord has taught me out of his Word is precious and I hold it deep in my heart. While the truths in this article are only a part of what the Lord has taught me, I believe they are so important. That is why I have put them in writing. While you may not agree with everything I have said, I ask you to search the scriptures for answers to the problems we face in our day. The answers are there. We only need to look for them. Our families are too important to neglect what the Lord has to say. Apart from knowing you have eternal life, I don’t believe there is anything more important than family. Let us stand up to the destructive influences that have attacked family life. We need to stand against the damaging ideas that have destroyed our valuable homes and marriages. Understanding the authority of parents and the godly process through which one finds a life-long partner is a good place to start. I am no longer willing to be pushed around by the foolish ideas of the world. Most people have never even considered an alternative to dating. Their beliefs are not based upon a careful and thoughtful consideration of the issues. They just believe the way they do because that’s what everybody does. I used to believe the same way. I refuse to be intimidated any longer. Those who disagree with me may try and push me around and seek to show me how out of touch I am with reality. But know this one thing: I’m going to push back and I’m going to use God’s Word to do it. The Bible likens the Word of God to a two-edged sword. It is living and powerful. It has the ability to crush the inane traditions of men. If your going to convince me of the validity of dating, your not going to do it unless you show me the error of my ways out of the scriptures. I have had people, yes, even Bible believing people argue against what I believe and yet never once refer to verses out of the Bible to prove their point. We’re not going to get anywhere doing this. We need to stop using our experience as our authority and bow in humble reverence to the holy verities taught in the eternal Word of God.
Denis Durham
2001
The practice of dating among young people is the popular method used by young men and women to find a partner for marriage. Both Christians and non-Christians alike engage in the dating practice. We, as Bible believing people, should not allow the world to conform us to its way of thinking. However, when one considers the condition of even our Christian homes in this country, it surely behooves us to reexamine our thinking from the biblical viewpoint. Mr. Stam, in his book “No Other Doctrine”, exhorts believers to “…not change the doctrine to suit the times”(p.75). While he is not specifically referring to the issue of dating, part of the doctrine given to us by Paul instructs us in pre-marriage, marriage, and family issues. Have we engaged in the dating practice simply because it suit’s the times? Is dating a harmless practice that our young people engage in or is there a better way? I believe there is!
Dating was not practiced during Bible times. It is a modern phenomenon. The modern concept of dating began its development about 100 years ago around the turn of the 20th century. So, rather than being biblically based, dating is a product of our entertainment saturated society. Pre-marriage relationships are primarily engaged in for recreational purposes. We live in a day of fast food, disposable products, and ever changing fads. A sense of permanence and commitment has been lost and our relationships are no exception. In this brief article, I would like to examine the dangers of dating in light of God’s Word.
PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT
One of the main characteristics of dating is a lack of parental involvement. In fact, to most young people, to even have the parents around while they are with their partner is the last thing on their minds. The modern dating situation is conducted away from parents and family, and the couple spends time alone. While the youngsters may not want the parents around, that is exactly what they need the most. The dating couple will find it very difficult to remain objective towards the other person. The typical dating situation is an artificial environment to judge ones character anyway. Going out to a movie and dinner doesn’t allow for real life situations. A young couple needs to see each other in the context of church and family. This allows for protection from behavior that would be less than godly. Also, parents will be more objective in their outlook. A young couple is going to tend to be biased towards each other because of the high level of emotions. Parents will be better able to assess the situation and determine who would be best suitable for their child. I am not promoting arranged marriages. I am simply encouraging parental guidance and protection. Do young people need guidance and protection in this area? Absolutely! Surely no one could look at the remains of broken relationships scattered throughout this country and say otherwise. Let me ask you a question? Where did you learn to date? Did you learn about dating from someone teaching it to you out of the Bible? If you’re like me, and you probably are, you learned about dating from friends at school and television. It was something that was simply understood and accepted. It wasn’t really taught. Is this any way to treat our young people? Marriage is a sacred union. The scriptures tell us that marriage typifies Christ and the Church. Shouldn’t this cause us to reexamine the world’s dating concept, and begin to teach young people the godly way to find a life-long marriage partner? I won’t say dating is sinful because it isn’t necessarily. However, dating is, at most, second best. Let’s not settle for this. Let’s honor the covenant of marriage and look into God’s Word for insight. If the Bible is our final authority in all matters of faith and practice, then let’s go to it and ask “What saith the Scriptures?”
PARENTAL AUTHORITY
We live in a day when parental authority is laughed at. In fact, authority of any kind is ridiculed. It should come as no surprise however. Since many people no longer believe in absolute truth, each individual becomes the authority. We have become like Israel of old where it is said that “…every man did that which was right in his own eyes” (Judges 21:25). However, there is absolute truth and the Word of God is our absolute authority. We have a responsibility to obey that authority and to obey those to whom the Word of God imparts authority. Human Government is one example. Rom. 13:1 says “Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers”. We are to obey those who are over us in governmental authority. While their authority doesn’t supersede the authority of God, they do have derived authority from Him. The same could be said of those who lead in a local church. They also have derived authority from the Lord. In Eph. 6:5, Paul tells servants to obey their masters. Obedience here implies authority. In Eph. 5:22,23 Paul exhorts wives to submit to their husbands because the husbands are the head of their wives. Again, this implies authority. Now concerning our current topic, Eph. 6:1 says “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right”. Parents have the authority, and therefore the responsibility, to raise their children. Eph. 6:4 instructs fathers to “…bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”. Parental authority is sadly lacking in our culture. Not only do children rebel against it, parents themselves don’t even realize their failure. There isn’t much thought given to it because there is no real expectation that it will occur. The reality is, children need godly guidance, especially in today’s culture. It is no exception when dealing with children as they look for a marriage partner. The current dating concept leaves parents completely out of the picture for the most part. In the typical dating process, any parental guidance that is given is seen only as unnecessary meddling. As a general rule, parents are not expected to give their input into the relationship. According to the dating couple, they are “in love” and that is all that matters. Who are the parents to say who they can love and who they can’t? Well, the fact is, parents should have a say in such matters. At the least, the young couple should listen to the concerns and advice of their parents based on Eph. 6:2 where is says “Honour thy father and mother…”. As was stated earlier, parents can be more objective in their assessments. The high level of emotions that run through the body of those who are “in love” can blind them to reality. They will tend to see the good qualities and overlook the bad ones. The dating situation allows for this deception. A person can charm his or her way into their date’s heart by playing the dating game. They look and act the part. However, if the parents are there to watch , listen, and ask questions, the real person is going to eventually come out. Let’s consider biblical courtship.
BIBLICAL COURTSHIP
It seems clear from scripture that the main responsibility for raising children falls on the father. Eph. 6:4 tells the father to bring their children up in the Lord. In speaking about the office of a bishop, I Tim. 3:4 says that he should have “…his children in subjection with all gravity”. Of the deacons, I Tim. 3:12 instructs them to rule “…their children and their own houses well”. Fatherly headship is no light matter. It is to be taken very seriously. While the world laughs and jokes about male headship, we should not follow them in their foolishness.
Let’s look at some scriptural examples of fatherly guidance for their children in finding a mate. Abraham is a good example. Abraham instructs his servant to “…take a wife unto my son Isaac”. Notice that Isaac’s father takes the initiative to find his son a wife, not Isaac. Abraham’s servant finds Rebekah. Regekah’s father gives his blessing on her and Isaac. So as to not be misunderstood, notice that her family do give her a choice also. They asked her if she was willing to go and she said she was. This is not a forced marriage. Abraham even recognized the fact that the woman could reject the offer. Gen. 24:8 says “and if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath…”. While she did have the option to reject the offer, that doesn’t mean she could just go off and marry anyone she chose. Obviously there was very close parental supervision. One last thing to notice about this situation. Rebekah agreed to marry Isaac without even having met him! What about the dating process? What about getting to know the person before you decide to marry? What about “falling in love?” There was no dating process or “falling in love” taking place and yet their marriage stood the test of time.
Jacob is another example. Gen. 29 records how that Jacob went through Rachel and Leah’s father Laban to marry Rachel. He served seven years for Leah and seven years for Rachel. Laban is said to have given his daughters in marriage. This wasn’t just something that was said at a wedding ceremony that has no real meaning like it is done today. It’s very common to hear the pastor say “who given this woman to be married to this man” and the bride’s father says “her mother and I”. While these words may have been backed up by the courtship process many years ago, it has lost all significance today. It is only said as part of a wedding ceremony. Consider Jer. 29:6: “…take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands…” Clearly, the father was to take the initiative in finding a mate for their children. The children were not left to themselves in these matters as is the case in our day. In the examples we have seen so far from scripture, there definitely was a giving of the daughter in marriage because the father was very much involved with the process from the beginning. Someone may argue and say these are Old Testament examples and don’t apply to us today. First, the examples of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob occurred centuries before the law was given so technically their courtship observances were not part of the law. Also, it should be said that these examples are not used as exact patterns for us today. In fact, there are differences even between Isaac’s marriage and Jacob’s marriage. Rather, I use them to show principles. I use them to demonstrate parental protection. Also, I use them to show that the familiar ideas of “love” and “romance” are unnecessary in order to have a life-long committed marriage relationship.
When we come to the New Testament, there doesn’t appear to be any change in the courtship process. I Cor.7 instructs us as members of the Body of Christ in marriage issues. We see in verse 38 the daughter being given in marriage. If the father gives his daughter away to be married, this implies authority on his part to not allow his daughter to marry if he thinks the young man is not suitable for her. In verse 36, Paul is speaking of two young people who, because of sexual passion, should get married rather than burning in lust. Paul tells the father to “…let them marry.” Again, this implies that they can’t get married unless there is parental approval. As was stated before, this is not arranged or forced marriage; rather it is parentally approved marriage. I Cor. 7 doesn’t teach arranged marriage. In verse 39, Paul says “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” Now this doesn’t mean, as indicated by other verses, that she can or should marry anyone regardless of the opinion of her parents. Again, her parents should have veto rights. If she desires to marry a young man, but her parents do not approve of their union, she should honor their decision. Remember Eph. 6 where children are instructed to obey their parents and to honor them. I believe that many people give lip service to honoring their parents but whenever there is disagreement, children will claim they have their own life to lead and rebel against their authority.
As I mentioned before, there is no formula given in the scripture giving the exact way to find a marriage partner. We must therefore guard against doing it. Every situation may differ slightly. Should a young man first approach a girl’s father before even talking to the girl? How much time should they be allowed to spend together each day? How long should the courtship process last before the wedding day? The answer to these questions may differ depending on circumstances. However, this doesn’t mean there are not godly principles which should guide our actions. Many of these principles may be considered by many to be legalistic but godliness is never legalism. If one approaches this subject with a spirit of condemnation and harshness, it becomes legalistic. The standards of godliness are not the problem. It’s the attitude one brings that causes problems. Godly principles that are taught in a spirit of meekness of love are scriptural.
Another objection raised to biblical courtship is that the teaching is too idealistic. I can understand why people raise this issue because in many instances, biblical courtship is not possible. With no many families broken, family life has become practically non-existent. The fatherly guidance and protection intended for children is impossible if the father is not there. With so many children being raised in single parent homes, this God given fatherly role is sadly lacking. What do you do in cases like this? First, there are answers to these questions and I will address them later. However, we should first look at the ideal situation and work from that. We shouldn’t take broken homes and shattered lives as a starting point. We should begin where the Lord begins and go from there.
I have used the phrase biblical courtship because just using the word courtship gives the wrong idea. When most people think of courtship, they think of a young man courting a young woman. However, in biblical courtship, this is not exactly the case. Ideally, in biblical courtship, the young man would court the young woman’s family but especially the father. The problem with the common idea of courtship can be seen by the definition. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines courtship this way: “Flattering; attempting to gain by address; wooing; soliciting in marriage.” The idea is that a man tries to somehow impress the woman through flattery or enticements and the woman, if interested, would do the same. Consider Prov. 6:23-25: “For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids.” While flattery and the winking of the eye is acceptable to the world, it is ungodly behavior. These kinds of actions are designed to attract the flesh. We are not to make provision for the lusts of the flesh as the Apostle Paul instructs us.
The courtship process is one in which the whole family should be involved. Consider the word courtship. It has the word “court” in it. This “court” should be held within the confines and protection of the family. This “court” implies the need for evidence. Ideally, a young man would present the evidence to the family (court) so to speak as to his qualifications to be a good husband and father. In our day, the court and evidence is placed outside of the home. Now, only the young woman in courted and the evidence is presented only to her. This breaking away from the family setting is where deception begins. The young woman is now out from underneath the guidance and protection of her father. Deception begins to occur because now the tendency of the woman is going to be to judge the evidence the man brings subjectively. The way he makes her “feel” is going to take precedence over whether he would make a good husband and good father to their future children. Dating places young women in a vulnerable position. She is out from under the cover of her father but not under the cover of a husband. Once this happens, she will begin to develop an emotional attachment to her date. Her emotions most likely will give her that all important “falling in love” feeling. This “love” will then become the basis for the marriage relationship rather than an objective consideration of the evidence. The young man is going to woo her to his way of thinking. He is going to do everything he can to persuade her towards a positive outlook of the evidence. Her father however won’t be as easily convinced. Since he is free from both a physical and emotional attachment to him, he can more easily judge the worthiness of the man to be his future son-in-law.
Furthermore, the dating situation not only places the young woman in a vulnerable position emotionally, but she becomes physically vulnerable. The man, being stronger and more aggressive, can quite easily take advantage of the situation. One of the main characteristics of dating is being alone with your date. We don’t even think twice about this in our culture. In fact, people see it as an absolute prerequisite to marriage. Nevertheless, it is unwise. If the truth be known, many men will go as far sexually with a woman as she will allow him. Without the oversight of the father, this sexual temptation can get out of hand, and it usually does. As I said before, once these passions get aroused, especially in men, they quite naturally lead to full consummated sex. God never intended for these passions to get aroused unless full consummation is expected. Of course, there are also times in which the woman does not allow or desire further intimacy, and yet the man forces himself on her until she just gives in or he overpowers her physically which results in rape. Obviously then, women need male protection that can be provided be her father and when married, by her husband.
The dating system encourages relationships apart from family involvement. We have seen how dangerous this can be. In the dating scheme, time alone for the couple is paramount. In fact, in the current way of thinking, if a couple doesn’t spend time alone, no relationship is possible in their mind. One of the common arguments against biblical courtship is the lack of personal time with the other person. People ask : “how can you get to know the other person if you don’t spend time alone together?” On the surface, this seems like a good argument but is it really? I believe biblical courtship is a better means to get to know someone than is dating. Dating creates an artificial environment. On a date, the couple usually are on their best behavior. They dress up and try their best to cover any blemishes, physically or otherwise. One thing is certain, discerning whether their date has godly character, even among Christians, is not a priority. As a general rule, they are not thinking about the characteristics that make a good mother/father and husband/wife. They are blinded by looks and feelings. “She looks terrific” he says. “He makes me feel wanted” she says. Have you ever heard married couples say that their spouse was not the person they thought they married? Once married, reality slaps them in the face. All of the blemishes and shortcomings that were hidden while dating begin to come out. All of a sudden, those feelings begin to wane. If the relationship was based on these deceptive feelings to begin with, as most are, what happens when the feelings go away? The marriage falls apart. The marriage was not based on commitment but rather on selfishness. If their spouse isn’t meeting their needs, why stay married? Marriage should be an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. A person should be willing to do their part in the marriage whether or not their spouse is reciprocating. I know this is not what the world teaches. They teach a 50/50 partnership. Marriage should really be a 100/100 partnership. Each should give themselves completely for the sake of their spouse and children. Love is a decision you make to put someone else’s needs before yours. It is not a feeling. It is a choice. This is to have the mind of Christ.
Along with spending time alone with a date, there is also the idea of ownership involved. We have come to believe that two people can belong to each other prior to marriage. This is evident in the expressions we use in describing out relationships. We say “my girlfriend”, “he’s mine”, or “my love”. When the relationship comes to an end, they talk about “breaking up” implying ownership as well. We believe that we have exclusive rights to that individual. If a man starts “going out” with a woman, only he is allowed to do so. In most cases, he would consider her to be cheating if she also “went out” with another man. He believes he has rights to her time and body. In reality, without a marriage covenant, he has neither.
This ownership concept creates many problems. If most people were honest, they will admit that most dating relationships do not end in marriage. In fact, dating relationships usually end badly. When the time comes to “break up”, there is usually resentment, hatred, jealousy, etc. These feelings have become so common, we expect them as a natural process of growing up. Once this “break up” has occurred, any friendship that existed before has been destroyed. They then avoid each other at all costs. Where is the mind of Christ in all of this? It is sadly lacking.
THE BRIDE PRICE
The Bible has nothing really to say in regards to a wedding ceremony other than a formal agreement made between the woman’s father and the young man. However, there is something involved that we should consider. Part of the betrothal process consisted of the young man giving a mohar or, as it is more commonly called, a dowry, to his father-in-law. This mohar or dowry was some kind of gift consisting of real estate, livestock, or money. Ex. 22:16,17 refers to a situation where a man and woman have sexual relations before marriage. The man is commanded to “…endow her to be his wife.” However, if the father doesn’t desire to give his daughter to the man, then he is to “…pay money according to the dowry of virgins.” The only reference in scripture to the exact amount of a dowry is given in Deut. 22:28,29 as 50 sheckels of silver. There really isn’t much information is scriptures about this dowry so we shouldn’t read more into the passages than is there. It is possible that the dowry was given as a guarantee to the wife of an inheritance if the husband should die. It was a means of financial protection. It is interesting to note that Jacob’s wife Leah refers to her children as a dowry. Gen. 30:20 says “and Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons…”. Apparently, she mentions her children in connection to the dowry because it will be her children who will provide for her if Jacob dies.
I don’t believe there is some kind of dowry system that is set in stone that we must follow. There surely is not. I bring it up because of an argument I hear against wives being homemakers only. They say that a woman needs to have as much education as possible and needs to hold down a job to learn and maintain important skills in case something were to happen to her husband. If her husband were to die, she could still make ends meet through her job. If she were only a housewife with no outside skills, she would be in trouble financially. The dowry helps to answer such an argument. The dowry could be set aside or invested. The wife could draw upon this in case of tragedy or the death of her husband. Some may say you could just get a life insurance policy. I’m sure this is true. There would be nothing wrong with this. I would take it a step further and say the father of the bride should make sure his daughter is provided for financially. The form the dowry would take isn’t the real issue. Whatever form is chosen, the issue is provision being made for the wife and children.
PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Most everyone in our culture today expects young people to have some form of a physical relationship prior to marriage. The degree of acceptable physical involvement differs depending on who you talk to. Christians may have a higher standard than others but, for the most part, some form of physical intimacy is expected. Let’s go to God’s Word. What saith the scriptures? Paul says in I Cor. 7:1 “…It is good for a man not to touch a woman”. It appears from this verse that Paul expected no physical touching prior to marriage. The touching here is in a sexual context. He obviously is not prohibiting a man form touching a woman in every situation but the context here is a relationship that leads to marriage as indicated by verse two. Such touching that many consider to be innocent such as kissing, hugging, and holding hands is really something that should be reserved for married couples only. Why is this? Let’s now consider I Cor. 7:2 “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband”. From these verses, it seems clear that the problem with touching is that it tends to lead to fornication. When a young man and woman begin to touch, it arouses desires that can be righteously satisfied only in the confines of marriage. Rom. 13:14 is very instructive in this regard. “…make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof”. I contend that the dating system encourages young people to make provisions for the flesh. Physical intimacy begins a process that God never intends young people to begin until after marriage. Are we supposed to believe that sexual passion should be aroused but not consummated until a future time, maybe even years? The answer to the temptation to fornicate is not dating. According to I Cor. 7:2, the answer is marriage. Marriage is the place to become intimate and only in marriage. We have come to believe that two people can belong to each other prior to marriage. In fact, the whole dating scheme revolves around this idea of ownership. Those who date seem to think they have a right to the other person’s body. Wrong! Only a covenant relationship gives this privilege. Physical touch has become so important in dating relationships that the level of seriousness is determined by the level of physical involvement. If a couple has only held hands, the relationship is not too serious. If they have kissed, it’s a little more serious, and so on. We may have taught our young people not to fornicate but have we taught them how not to from scriptures? Even among fundamental, Bible believing people, there is a great lack of guidance given to singles. They have been told what not to do and then given a system that fosters the very thing they’re told not to do.
PHYSICAL TOUCH: WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?
One of the reasons for the feelings of regret after a broken relationship is because of the close intimate physical relationships. When we give our bodies to someone in this way, we are giving a part of ourselves. As was discussed earlier, this physical intimacy should only be reserved for marriage. Any kind of touching such as holding hands, hugging, necking, or petting is not appropriate. Once this kind of activity starts, it’s difficult to stop. Sexual purity should be a gift we give to or spouse on our wedding day. I seek to treat any single woman I know like she is someone else’s future wife. I would want other men to treat my future wife the same. If you ever question what kind of physical intimacy is acceptable, then imagine doing what your thinking with someone who is married. If that would be wrong, don’t do it with anyone else. If you think going around holding hands with someone’s wife or husband is o.k., then have at it. If you don’t think it would be appropriate, then you better think twice about doing that with someone’s future spouse. It’s really not hard to know where to draw the line. Just remember I Cor. 7:1 “…It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” This does not need much interpretation. Don’t touch unless there is a marriage covenant. The apostle Paul instructs Timothy how to treat those in the local assembly. He tells him to treat elders like fathers, young men as brothers, elder women as mothers, and young woman as sisters. It is interesting to note that when he mentions the young woman, he adds something. He says to treat young women as sisters “…with all purity.” Obviously Paul thought that this exhortation about purity was necessary. The indication is that the tendency is going to be to not treat young women with all purity. When you think of the touching that occurs in dating, does it remind you of purity? No! Having your hands all over your date is far from pure activity. A young woman should remain pure (free from physical intimacy) until marriage. When a woman wears a white dress on her wedding day, the white symbolizes purity. Anymore, the white dress has lost all significance. Many people today may not even know the tradition behind the white dress. It has lost its meaning just like the phrase used by the bride’s father in giving away his daughter. It is just said as tradition.
Physical intimacy has become so important in dating relationships that it is seen as absolutely necessary to developing a lasting relationship. I have heard people say that in order to get to know someone, you have to kiss them. Most everybody I’ve talked to say this. How important is it, really? What does a kiss tell you about a person? There is a song that came out years ago that was sung by Sher called “It’s In His Kiss.” The chorus says “If you want to know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss.” So, according to this wisdom, you can determine if someone loves you by kissing them. I disagree. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is where the deception begins that I talked about. Those subjective feelings that occur while kissing become dominant. Before you know it, your “in love”. If you base your relationship on such things as a kiss, your in for a great disappointment. A kiss says nothing whatsoever about a person’s character. It says nothing about whether they will be a good spouse or parent. It has absolutely nothing to do with true love. It has everything to do with feeling good. There is another objection I have heard against refraining from touching before marriage. It is argued that if a couple were never physical at all, the wedding night would be too much. Going from no touching to full consummated sex would be too much of a shock. Well, I’m not even sure what that means. Even if it was too much of a shock, I still haven’t figured out what that would really mean practically. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that it would be too much of a shock. Why would we think that having sex is absolutely necessary on the wedding night? Again, this is just a tradition. I talked to an elderly woman who told me that when she got married, she was a virgin for a month after the wedding. Surely not? It’s true. So there was plenty of time for them to be physical prior to full consummation. There is nothing wrong with this. So the argument that touching is necessary before marriage to prepare oneself for full consummation in marriage holds no water.
I would like to say a further word about the problem of intimacy in light of our current culture. With the advent of the Women’s Movement, women began putting marriage and family on hold. However, families are the backbone of any society. They are crucial to the health and welfare of the next generation. Family life should be top priority in our lives. Sadly, this is not the case with most people, even Christian people. At one time, it was simply expected that people get married at a young age. Now, once girls graduate from high school, they leave for college for another four years. Once college is over, they then seek a job where they can put to use the knowledge they acquired in college. Marriage today is postponed nor many years. If or when they do decide to marry, having children takes a back seat to the drive for more money and selfish ambition. I contend that this marriage postponement mentality is destructive. Let’s consider why.
First, the sexual drive begins around the middle teenage years. By the early twenties, the sexual desire has reached it’s zenith. This becomes quite a problem especially in our culture. We are bombarded every day with sexually explicit images that only fuel that already high sexual passion. Why would God create young people to have such high levels of sexual desire if he didn’t intend for them to get married? Is God so cruel that he would give them this desire and then not expect them to fulfill those desires in a godly manner? I don’t believe God does expect young people to wait until they have all their education finished and they have a nice career going before they marry. I believe this is all man-made. It goes against the creation design and is anti-family.
Second, women are able at a very young age to bear children. Would God create girls to have the ability to have a child at age 15 but then expect them to wait 10, 15, even 20 years to bear children? I don’t believe so. Older women will not have as much energy to deal with the little ones not to mention the health risks involved in giving birth later in life.
There is another issue that need to be considered, especially by women. Sexual arousal should be minimized as much as possible. One way to do this is through modest clothing. I Tim. 2:9,10 says “…women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; but (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.” To preach that women should wear modest clothing today is not popular to say the least. It is very important nonetheless. When talking about this issue, the same question seems to come up. How does one determine what modest clothing is? Everyone seems to have a different standard. What one woman may consider modest, another would not. It seems that many times this question is asked out of spite and not out of an honest heart. The question is, if we can determine what modest apparel is, are we willing to live by it? Many are not. So, how does one determine what modest means exactly. Women will differ greatly as to what they consider modest. However. The question is not what they consider modest. The question is, what do men consider modest? There is a principle here that is important to learn. It’s the principle of another’s conscience. I Cor. 10:29 says “Conscience, I say, not thine own, but of the other: for why is my liberty judged of another man’s conscience?” The issue shouldn’t be what I think so much but how it effects my brother in Christ. True love seeks to edify the other person. While you may think that dressing a certain way is fine, does it edify? “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.” I Cor. 10:23 We need to be careful how our actions may hurt others. We believers are told to not walk in darkness. We have the light of God’s Word that allows us to walk in the light. Paul instructs us to walk circumspectly. In other words, we should walk wisely. We should think about what we are doing rather than just floating through life and letting the world define our lives for us. Paul goes on in I Cor. 8:9 saying “But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them that are weak.” Then in verse 12 he says “But when ye sin so against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, ye sin against Christ.” This is a very serious charge. To sin against the brethren is to sin against Christ. Now some may argue and say this passage is not dealing with wearing modest clothing. This is true. It is dealing with meat offered to idols which was common in Paul’s day. However, it does apply to our topic at hand. Notice Rom. 14:21 where it says “It is good neither to eat flesh, nor drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is make weak.” We should seek to not do something that could cause another to fall into sin. Rather than getting into a long debate over what is considered modest, I believe the issue can be easily settled by walking charitably in light of the other’s conscience. It is truly amazing how love can solve many problems. Prov. 10:12 says “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” One of the characteristics of charity given in I Cor. 13 is that it “…seeketh not her own.” Are you dressing for yourself? Why not honor the Lord and start wearing clothing that seeks to edify rather than tear down.
There is much talk today about sexual harassment. Obviously, it is not appropriate. One form of sexual harassment that I never hear anyone talk about is harassment due to immodest clothing. For a woman to wear clothing that is sexually revealing is just as much sexual harassment as anything else. If a man were to say things to a woman that is sexually inappropriate, it is considered harassment. A man should not be allowed to force her to hear such things. On the other hand, should a woman force a man to be exposed to sexually revealing clothing? Someone may argue and say he doesn’t have to look. What if a man were to wear a picture of a naked woman on his shirt when he went to work? Is that appropriate? I could argue and say she doesn’t have to look. Well, of course that’s nonsense. We can’t go around with our eyes shut all day. A woman shouldn’t have words or images forced on her but neither should a man. I’m not saying legislation should be passed to enforce women to wear modest clothing. I am saying however that to be consistent, you would have to enforce modest clothing. Men should treat women, as the Bible commands, with all purity and women should do the same for men.
IS LOVE SOMETHING WE FALL INTO?
The phrase “falling in love” is a common expression we hear today. It is said by many to be the first step towards developing a loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Many books have been written on the subject of love and romance. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines romance this way: “to forge and tell fictitious stories; to deal in extravagant stories.” If you build a relationship or marriage on romance, your building it on something that isn’t even real. It’s fantasy. People build up these fanciful expectations for relationships and marriage and then wonder why they fail. No relationship lives up to the fanciful stories you read about in the romance novels. This “falling in love” idea tends to lead to discontentment and disappointment. When our partner begins to fail us, as everyone does, those feelings of “love” begin to wane. We begin to “fall out of love”. If you can “fall in love”, you can just as easily “fall out of love.” The whole dating scheme that young people engage in revolves around falling in and out of love. While many will say that dating prepares you for marriage, I argue that dating is more of a preparation for divorce. It is not uncommon for someone to date many people before they find the one they want to marry. So, before marriage, many people have experienced many broken relationships. They will “go out” with someone for a while, and then when problems come up, or when those feelings of “love” are gone, they “break up” and look for someone else. This process can go on for years in many situations. Is this good preparation for marriage? No, on the contrary. After marriage, what happens when problems come up and those feelings they once had for their spouse just aren’t there? Well, may people will do the very thing they were trained to do their whole life. They break the relationship. Why would we expect anything else?
I also believe these problems stem partly from a faulty understanding of true love. In a dating relationship, most people define love as some kind of romantic feeling. They define love based on how the other person makes them feel. Are feelings an adequate gauge by which to judge our relationships? I don’t believe so. Rather than defining love as a feeling, true love should be defined first and foremost as a commitment. True love is a decision you make to put someone else’s needs before your needs. When the Bible speaks of love, it commands us to do so. We are not to love others just when we feel like it. Rom. 13:8 tells us to “…love one another…” Eph 5:25 instructs husbands to “…love your wives…” These are commands not suggestions based on feelings.
LOVE IS A CHOICE
While there is much talk about love, there is very little understanding. True love comes only from God. Therefore, we need to go to His Word to find a true definition.
There are three Greek words that define love. The first is Eros. Eros has to do with sexual passion. Second is Phileo. Phileo is a warm attraction or affection. Third is Agape. Agape is an unconditional love. It is a love that can only come from God It is a love that describes God’s love for us. It is interesting to note that the word Eros (sexual passion) does not occur in the Bible. The word Phileo occurs about 20 times but the word Agape occurs about 110 times. Eros and Phileo love come naturally to most of us. It’s the Agape love that we wouldn’t understand without a revelation from God. True love is a revelation.
Without an understanding of true love, the ideas concerning biblical courtship will be hard to grasp. So let’s start with a definition. Love is a decision you make to put someone else’s needs before yours. Love is a choice. One of the myth’s about love is that it is a feeling. It is not a feeling. Let’s get that straight up front. The Bible commands us to love. Let’s look at a few examples. Matt. 5:44 says “…love your enemies…” If love were a feeling, we would never love our enemies. This kind of love is independent of our feelings. We must consciously decide to love others. Eph. 5 instructs husbands to love their wives. They are told to love them regardless of how their wife treats them. It is a love, not based on a warm personnel attraction, but on a commitment. If we base our relationships on “falling in love” (Eros or Philoe), what happens when those feelings are gone? It’s very common to hear people say “I don’t love you anymore.” What they mean is their partner doesn’t give them the same sensation as before. It is primarily a selfish attraction. It’s all based on how you make me feel. Many of the marriage counselors heard and the books written on the subject focus on how to get what you want out of a relationship. This is the world’s point of view. The Christian view seeks to give to the other person. In fact, the whole Christian life is to be based on a life of sacrifice for others. We are to have the mind of Christ. Phil. 2:4 teaches us to “look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” We are to put others first. Verse five then says “let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus” and then goes on to describe the sacrificial actions of Christ on our behalf. This sacrificial love Christ has for us was not based on his feelings. Consider what Christ said in the garden of Gethsemane before the crucifixion. Matt. 26:39 records Christ saying “…O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Humanly speaking, Christ didn’t feel like going to Calvary. He prayed for deliverance. He would never have gone to the cross if he based his love on his feelings. Notice he then said “…not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Here we see Christ giving up his desires for the sake of the Father as well as for us. This was a decision he made. He chose to love us. He didn’t love us because we made him feel good. He loved us when we didn’t deserve such love. We were in rebellion against Him and he loved us. This is the kind of love we need to nurture in our minds. We need to cultivate this kind of love towards others. Marriage relationships should display this sacrificial love rather than the world’s selfish brand. I heard somebody define love as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. How true this is. How imperative it is that we seek to show this unconditional commitment in the marriage covenant. How sadly lacking such commitment is in our day.
When I dealt with Biblical Courtship earlier, I dealt with it using an ideal family situation. However, the reality is, in our current culture, ideal family life is rare. So let’s deal with this issue. How does Biblical Courtship work if the father is missing from the family? No doubt, even in Bible times, the father was missing in some cases. Today it is very common and most likely the result of divorce. First, if a young woman comes from a broken home where the father is not there, in most cases he should be involved in his daughter’s life as much as possible. So, if her father lives near, he should be the first one to guide and protect during the courtship process. If the father is not around at all, other responsible male family members should be sought out. If there are no male family members around who would be acceptable, responsible male members of your local church should be found. In fact, even if the father is around, the leaders of a local church should be willing to assist in the process whenever necessary.
We must keep in mind that everything revolves around the family. It is so hard for us to understand this. We have become accustomed to living apart from family. We are very independent minded. Living on one’s own is really a modern concept. For most of the world’s history, living on your own didn’t exist for the most part. A person only separated from family if they got married and even then there were still strong ties. There is no better way to get to know a person than to see them live in the context of their family. It won’t be as easy to put up a front as occurs in dating. Brothers and sisters seem to have a way of bringing out the real you. This is good. Two people considering marriage need to see each other at their best and worst. A young woman can watch how the young man treats his mother. This is usually a good indicator of how he will treat his future wife. The young man can see how the young woman reacts when things don’t go right. These are things not revealed on the typical date. Also, church provides another good atmosphere for courtship. The young couple can watch and see if the other is willing to serve in the church. Are they interested in spiritual things or are they just going through the motions? All the while, the parents are observing as well as other godly men in the church. There is protection and accountability. If the young man begins to touch her inappropriately, there will be those there who can step in and take appropriate action. All this would not be possible while on a date. The young woman would be left to fend off the stronger and more aggressive male. Women shouldn’t have to deal with this. It is a burden that should be placed on her brothers, church leaders, but especially her father.
It should be said concerning biblical courtship that this is something that needs to be taught to children from a very early age. It would not work to try and teach teenagers these courtship principles. They most likely would be involved in dating and would rebel against parental meddling. However, that is not to say that some of the principles could not be used. A parent could sit down with their teenager and lovingly explain to them these courtship issues but to expect a total turnaround is unlikely and is not fair to the teenage.
WHAT ABOUT COMPATIBILITY?
There is another issue that needs to be addressed. It is the issue of compatibility. Compatibility is seen as an important element when deciding on a marriage partner. While compatibility is important when talking about spiritual interest and character, the usual way it is used doesn’t have much value. In dating, much of the focus is placed on temporal and trivial things. It should come as no surprise since dating centers around temporal and trivial issues. Dating is done for recreation. If two people don’t have similar interests, the dating experience will be disappointing. Should we make similar interests so important? It is so hard for us who live in an entertainment crazed culture to think of pre-marriage relationships apart from it. Is it really so important for two young people to like the same kind of movies, listen to the same kind of music, or have similar preference in food? In the dating game, the answer is yes. In fact, without these similar interests, there wouldn’t be much of a reason to go on a date. However, in biblical courtship, these have little or no value at all. A young woman should be looking for a man to provide her and her future children with a stable home life. Once married, it won’t matter that much if one likes to sky dive and the other is afraid of heights. A young man should be looking for a woman to be a help-meet and a loving mother. If we were all honest with ourselves, we would admit that these are not the criteria used to analyze whether a date with someone was successful. The issue on a date is whether it was fun or not. While two young people may be compatible in the trivial things, they may not make a suitable spouse or parent. On the other hand, two young people may not be compatible in trivial matters but may make wonderful spouses and parents. Should not godliness be paramount? I believe many godly people are overlooked as a possible marriage partner simply because they do not have a charismatic personality. They may not be good at making romantic gestures but they would be faithful, loving, caring, and responsible. Does not all of this indicate the need for biblical courtship? Parents understand the value of commitment and responsibility in marriage far more than a young teenager would. While the parents should have taught their teenager from a small child the importance of these issues, the parents will have a more intimate and practical knowledge of them based on experience.
DATING WORKED FOR US
Some may ask what the big deal is all about. They dated and did o.k. There are those who have found their spouse through the dating process and they had a positive experience and a good marriage. No doubt, there are exceptions to the rule but the fact is, they are just that: exceptions. Those who have had a positive experience in dating most likely did it using some scriptural principles. In addition, even if the dating experience was positive, it is still second best. Why should we as believers use a system developed by the world? While it may work given the right circumstances, it is foolish to give young people a system that puts them in a compromising situation. We should remember also that everyone has different levels of strengths and weaknesses. While sexual temptation may not be a big problem with a few people, it is a problem with most. Also, a few may be mature emotionally, but many are not. Should we endorse a system that will be o.k. for the minority of more mature individuals? Those who do think they are stronger and more mature should consider I Cor. 10:12 which says “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.” We shouldn’t accept anything less than a biblical model. The dating model, when held up to the light of God’s Word, falls far short. Let’s not accept a system that might be just o.k.. Let’s acknowledge our need for guidance and bow to the authority of God’s Word.
SINS OF THE PAST
While it is not intended, I know this article may produce feelings of guilt. You may be convicted of past sins. The mistakes of the past may haunt you but who of us doesn’t have past regrets? There was a time in my life when I didn’t understand these issues. I believed in dating because that’s just the way it was done. I certainly don’t look down on others with a self-righteous attitude. I have too many mistakes in the past to do that. I come to this issue saying like Paul “…We also are men of like passions with you…” (Acts 14:15).
The good news is the Lord has saved us and cleansed us from all unrighteousness. Despite the failures of our past, we have been forgiven. “For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice, envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.” Let’s acknowledge the fact that if we have trusted Jesus Christ as our savior, our sins are no longer an issue with God. Let’s realize that our past failures are forgiven and get on with living a life pleasing to the Lord.
CONCLUSION
In this article, I have not attempted to deal with every single issue in regards to dating and biblical courtship, nor have I tried to deal with any one aspect thoroughly. Rather, I have sought to put down in written form what has been a burden on my heart for many years now. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, nor am I under the impression that biblical courtship will solve all of the problems associated with pre-marriage relationships. I do insist, however, that if we allow things to continue as they are, it will only get worse. Our families in this country are in absolute shambles! The heritage that has been left to the next generation is disgraceful! We can no longer say that our society is breaking down. It is already broken. Christians can claim no better testimony. Our families look so much like everyone else’s families that you can see little or no difference between them. We have been conformed to the world’s pattern. There’s no doubt about it. Instead of looking like the world, we should be as Paul said “…blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; holding forth the word of life…” (Phil. 2:15,16)
As I have attempted to make clear, the issue of authority is very important. We must hold strongly to the absolute authority of God’s Word. In a day when people believe there are no real absolutes, it is imperative that we not be pulled into that way of thinking. How easy it is to just go along with the crowd. We need an infallible compass by which to guide and govern our lives. It is never wise to trust our wisdom. Prov. 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” As Jeremiah said, our hearts are deceitful and wicked. We surely shouldn’t use our hearts to guide us. We need to search for true wisdom out of God’s Word. Solomon, speaking of wisdom says: “If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.” He goes on to say: “When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee” (Prov. 2:10,11). We should dig into the Word of God as one who searches for riches whose value is far beyond rubies. The scriptures are a mine full of treasure awaiting our discovery of each valuable diamond. The issues concerning biblical courtship that we have dealt with here, as well as other Bible truths, are highly valuable to me. They mean more to me than any amount of monetary value. Any truth that the Lord has taught me out of his Word is precious and I hold it deep in my heart. While the truths in this article are only a part of what the Lord has taught me, I believe they are so important. That is why I have put them in writing. While you may not agree with everything I have said, I ask you to search the scriptures for answers to the problems we face in our day. The answers are there. We only need to look for them. Our families are too important to neglect what the Lord has to say. Apart from knowing you have eternal life, I don’t believe there is anything more important than family. Let us stand up to the destructive influences that have attacked family life. We need to stand against the damaging ideas that have destroyed our valuable homes and marriages. Understanding the authority of parents and the godly process through which one finds a life-long partner is a good place to start. I am no longer willing to be pushed around by the foolish ideas of the world. Most people have never even considered an alternative to dating. Their beliefs are not based upon a careful and thoughtful consideration of the issues. They just believe the way they do because that’s what everybody does. I used to believe the same way. I refuse to be intimidated any longer. Those who disagree with me may try and push me around and seek to show me how out of touch I am with reality. But know this one thing: I’m going to push back and I’m going to use God’s Word to do it. The Bible likens the Word of God to a two-edged sword. It is living and powerful. It has the ability to crush the inane traditions of men. If your going to convince me of the validity of dating, your not going to do it unless you show me the error of my ways out of the scriptures. I have had people, yes, even Bible believing people argue against what I believe and yet never once refer to verses out of the Bible to prove their point. We’re not going to get anywhere doing this. We need to stop using our experience as our authority and bow in humble reverence to the holy verities taught in the eternal Word of God.
Denis Durham
2001